In which I over-analyze Rebecca Black's 'My Moment'

I don't think My Moment is really as bad as some people are purporting. It's just hopelessly,  mildly, generically bland. Her voice seems to have been autotuned several times over, and the chorus is repetitive (still better than Friday, not that that's saying much) but how is that so different than what we hear in the usual pop charts? In a way, that actually makes the song worse. Let me explain.

We're not even allowed to like it ironically: no more endearingly low-budget effects or sets. No more confused extras. No more nasal voice or mind-numbing yet super-catchy lyrics. Yet, the song isn't outright hateable - either of which would have filled us with hand-rubbing glee. Sure, the number of dislikes on My Moment outweighs the likes, but the jibes feel half-hearted. How can we make fun of something that has nothing to make fun of? Blandness isn't fun. Blandness is...bland.

Although I'll be the first person to wish it was just as inane as Friday just so I could make fun of it, I suppose I'm glad for her. She's a cute girl with a contagious smile and (against one's resistance) infectious energy; she really could be much, much worse. Rebecca Black is really guilty of nothing more than being a young girl with dreams whose parents were indulgent enough to spend a few thousand dollars on her to have some chubby rapper from a music company of dubious origin write a terrible (-y awesome) song for her.

Yet, she seems to almost be asking for people to mock her mercilessly with My Moment's lyrics. Some of the lyrics essentially amount to: "HAHA! SUCKERS! LOOK AT ME NOW, YOU HATERS! I'M POPULAR AND FAMOUS AND YOU'RE NOT! NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA!" Girl, you of all people should know the internet by now. This is the equivalent of dangling fresh meat in front of their faces. They'll take anything they can get. If you really are so famous and rich, please don't sing about feeling smug in proving the haters wrong. It just makes you look petty. Like, you know, you're sinking to our level. I believe in you, Rebecca. You're young yet. You can do better. You will do better. I say this with the best of intentions.

Regardless. Hopefully she'll be able to find some legitimate fame - as this video portrays her to have. But in the back of my mind, I still hope her next song will be epic of Friday-like proportions...fun, fun, fun, fun!

Random thought

Does anyone else think that 3D TV is extraordinarily pointless?

It's kind of like ordering salad at McDonald's. Not exactly the same metaphor, but a similar feeling. A lot of effort for nothing much.

If I wanted to see things in 3D, I'd just go outside.

Review: The Hangover 2

Today's movie review: The Hangover 2

Oh, how I hate to be writing this. Movie, I was so looking forward to having a good time with you. Enjoyable laughs of the same-old, same-old, with a few elements changed up. How could you have gone so wrong?

I'll have you know, I really liked the first movie; The Hangover was a great example of how a movie from a genre that has certain (low) expectations, if well-made enough, could attract audiences outside its usual demographic. Its premise, structure, and writing were original, funny, and clever. The characters were surprisingly empathetic, and the acting better than a film like The Hangover would warrant.

That point being made, I am not criticizing the fact this movie is essentially a remake. In fact, it was what I was looking forward to. I wanted to relive the laughs of the first. I suppose part of the reason I look back on the first with fondness is because it subverted my expectations by exceeding them; regardless of its quality, then, The Hangover 2 was probably doomed anyway by anticipatory hype.

At the worst, I hoped it would simply be a forgettable mediocre borefest. What I didn't expect was to walk out of the cinema so angry at the movie. It's not even boringly, enjoyably, forgettably bad. This movie was actively bad, as if deliberately assaulting one's senses and sensibilities, leaving a lingering bad taste in the mouth.

I felt ashamed for the actors. I was incredulous that they were willing to even, after reading through the script, participate. Oh, Bradley Cooper, how could you do this to me? I felt ashamed Thailand even let this movie be filmed there; did not some Thai person read the script? Did not even one person object?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to say, as a Thai person - even after all these years of Westernization, and taking Asian stereotypes in good stride (I love Mr. Chow - he's the one saving grace of the movie!) - I found this movie in offensively bad taste. It just got to a point in the movie I was laughing because I could not believe what I was watching. Calling monks a bunch of 'bald assholes'? I know the lack of classiness is the charm, but there is a difference between crude and just offensive.

I despair of the lack of furore and debate this movie has whipped up; is Bangkok so universally perceived this way? If the movie were to portray some other country or city so negatively, would that somehow be worse?

On the plus side, if all the tweets of people swearing after watching The Hangover 2 to never visit Bangkok are anything to go by, the movie may have actually done the city a favour. For, if those people are stupid enough to believe this movie, with the premise it has, accurately portrays the city, then we'd probably benefit from their absence anyway.

Some jokes weren't even so much infuriating as much as exasperating. Asian women's boob sizes? Ladyboys? Eyeroll, yawn, been there, heard that. Todd Phillips, I expected better. Oh, movie, one thing I really hoped I wouldn't have to put up with you was cliched, tired, stereotypes, but you had them all the same.

Wow, I really did not mean for this to turn into such a self-righteous 'ASIAN PRIDE!!' rant. So, I'll also list other reasons this movie disappointed me:

Essentially, this movie took everything that worked in the first movie and exaggerated it to the point of cringe-worthy absurdity. A good example is the characterization of all the characters: taking the one defining point from their first movie and bombarding us with it. For example, Alan (Zach Galifianakis) is now unlikeably annoying, with no redeeming traits, whereas those same traits were formerly amusing.

Another complaint is the bizarrely dark tone the second movie adopts. The first one was light-hearted and fun, even amid all the debauchery. The Hangover 2 takes itself too seriously in deciding to incorporate a drug-underworld plot. Thus, coupled with the cliched Thai stereotypes, many of the jokes of The Hangover 2 both fall flat and feel mean-spirited.

I think part of the reason I resent this movie so much is that, in changing the setting, race tropes are inevitably going to come into play, whether intentionally or not. The Hangover 2 comes across as nothing more than privileged American white guys doing whatever the hell they want in a country they obviously think of as inferior.

I'd also complain about the contrived, deus-ex-machina-esque of an ending, but I've made my point. Just rewatch the first one instead.

The Lion King a.k.a. Disney nostalgia

Oh, wow. I never truly realized how traumatizing this actually was. This video reduced me to bawling like a baby. Note to all girls out there: don't bother buying makeup remover. Just watch this scene. Just as effective and much less chemicals, although painful to the soul. Very painful to the soul.

It's just...it's that moment you realize, even subconsciously, that that parental figure isn't infallible. If a powerful, idealistic father like Mufasa can be taken from us so abruptly, then what chance do our own fathers stand? BAWWWWW.

After re-watching parts of The Lion King, I can safely say it's my favourite Disney movie. I never truly appreciated how amazingly awesome Disney were during this period. Once again, I must reiterate my love of Hans Zimmer. He really can do no wrong; the soundtrack makes the movie, really.

I'm really happy I grew up when Disney were still churning out amazing 2D animation, instead of the tweenybopper crud the poor children have to put up with today. Ah, childhood. Was it so long ago when you were still with me?

Edward Hardwicke

So I read today that actor Edward Hardwicke passed away of cancer at the age of 78. Alas, the copy of my newspaper was two days old, and I didn't notice. Stupid me. Excuse me while I scratch some dust out of my eye.

But I wanted to say, Edward Hardwicke wasn't my favourite Watson, but he truly was a wonderful one. The affection and warmth he brought to the role was will truly stay with me long after I've watched an episode. For example, that one moment in which he drapes a blanket over Jeremy Brett's Holmes in 'The Devil's Foot' was rather touching, Hardwicke bringing a quiet, calm, dignified concern and caring to Watson. Thank you for helping to dispel with the bumbling Watson, and giving us and him an intelligent, excellent character. Thank you for giving us this Watson, sir!

My comfort is thinking that Jeremy is waiting for him on the other side, with a smile and a hug for an old friend. Rest in peace.

Thankfully, it isn't an actual name.

I had a dream today. Alas, the only words I could remember from it were: "We should ask someone who works in the sex industry!" "But who?" "Why, Sexington, of course!" Hmmm...

Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark

I have an over-enthusiastic fancy for unintentionally bad movies. While of course I'm not in a total minority - the sold-out screenings of The Room at Prince Charles Cinema would indicate a healthy number of like-minded fans - I find that the predilection to watch these movies several times over, laughing and snorting until you can practically recite the lines in your sleep (all with me now: "You are tearing me APART, LISA!") to be less common than I thought.

Perhaps it's my naive enthusiasm that makes me think: how can anyone resist the charm of these bad movies? Some of my friends adamantly refuse to pay 10 pounds to watch The Room, incredulous at the thought that so many people would fork out that sum of money to watch something bad, as opposed to, say, a summer blockbuster. And in one case, the two friends I did bring didn't enjoy it at all, listlessly watching as Tommy Wiseau's pale white ass thrust up and down Lisa's belly-button, horrified, never understanding the comedy value behind it.

No disrespect meant, but they simply do not understand. While I can hope to one day convert them, I suspect the cult of the good-bad-movie is simply like a religion; not only in the sense that we blindly worship its creator and the work itself, but that not everyone will agree to it, nor understand it.

Nevertheless, I will not give up hope. In the off-chance I may convert a non-believer out there somewhere, here's a list of my favourite bad movies. Keep in mind: there are many bad movies out there. Chances are there's a handful of them out in your local cinema now.

What makes these movies special is that they fail in everything: cinematography, writing, plot, acting - you name it, they've fucked it up. Boringly bad movies are depressingly rampant, and just, well, boring. These ones I talk about are special: most are gems, hidden in the mud, languishing in obscurity until picked up and lovingly cherished by, well, people like me.

Another main criterion they need to fulfill is that the movie itself isn't in on the joke. They're charmingly inept, and never ironically so. That's why movies such as Rocky Horror Picture Show or Black Sheep don't hold quite the same charm for me. People like Claudio Fragasso, Tommy Wiseau, James Nguyen - they had a vision, they set out with admirable determination to fulfill it, failed miserably, and they still don't understand - and in that, there is the joke. The rest of us are privy to something the creators themselves aren't. These movies fail so hard, they bounce right back up into the stratosphere of awesome.

The Room

Sure, the story is utterly insipid compared to the rest of these movies, and it lacks the camp factor that makes the other good-bad-movies so entertaining - but The Room more than makes up for it by the sheer star power of its director-producer-writer-actor-walking corpse Tommy Wiseau.

Inexplicably wandering aimlessly from one scene right into another, garbling lines along the way in an accent that even Igor would be ashamed of, the walking mass of vampiric Silly-Putty captivates you every moment he is on-screen.

Of course, there are other classic fails, such as the movie being seemingly made-up of about twenty lines' worth of dialogue incessantly repeated ("O hai", "Don't worry about it", "Johnny/Mark is your/my best friend", "I don't want to talk about it", etc. etc.), plot points and characters that burst in from out-of-nowhere and leave just as abruptly, never to be mentioned again, and just plain bad film-making. Why film atop a perfectly decent rooftop when you could build a set of a fake rooftop, then green-screen the background over it later?

Classic Moment

The two 'o hai's here make up only about 1 percent of all the other 'o hai's that are present in the rest of the movie.

Troll 2

Of course, this really needs no introduction. Troll 2 is simply a classic. It's a phenomenon of its own. Dare I even say it is its own little religion, what with the eating-green-food and annual screenings ? Even the documentary about the film, Best Worst Movie, seems to show a few of the actors of Troll 2 as cult icons; George Hardy (who plays the father), upon turning up at a Troll 2 screening, is lovingly greeted by masses of fans, most of whom seem awe-struck by his mere presence.

With a hilariously tragic and troubled production (that's what you get when you have Italian people telling Americans how to act American, without speaking a word of English) that shows in every second of film, including golden nuggets such as Claudio Fragasso telling poor Michael Stephenson (Joshua Waits): 'No, no, don't act possessed. Too boring. You piss on food' for that one bizarre scene in which Joshua has to get his family to not eat the goblin's food, which would turn them into plants. Or really, just green goo. It's perfectly possible to pick literally any part of this movie and something would be going disastrously wrong. And it's oh-so-delicious. I wouldn't eat it, though. You'd probably turn into...

Classic Moment

...this.

Birdemic

A recently-made movie, and thus a new entry into my list. As internet reviewer Obscurus Lupa put it perfectly: "Birdemic is Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds as directed by Tommy Wiseau, except if Tommy Wiseau didn't know how to balance sound". Seriously, The Room's cinematography and Troll 2's special effects looks decent - dare I say even competent? - compared to Birdemic. It takes a special kind of genius like James Nguyen to screw up even portraying the act of fucking walking.

For once, I am struck speechless. While I can wax lyrical about The Room and Troll 2 incessantly, for the most part, Birdemic is so awe-inspiringly terrible that the movie really speaks for itself. I feel some shame in saying that even extremely inebriated, assisted by a toddler, and with Microsoft Movie Maker, I could still make a better movie than Birdemic. While I am glad for this movie's existence, the fact this movie even got some semblance of funding and actors willing to act in it is so extremely depressing that I couldn't help but weep at the same time.

Classic Moment

But hey, don't be morose! Cheer yourself up. Have a clip of people fighting off .GIF birds with coat-hangers.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

To be perfectly honest, I don't even find this one particularly horrible. Sure, it's spectacularly bad, but the nature of Plan 9's badness I find to be endearing. It is not so much a movie to be jeered and heckled at (unlike some of the other movies up there), but rather, lovingly jibed. I suppose it must be because I've watched too many Star Trek episodes, and am thus more forgiving of vintage special effects (or in this case, lack thereof) and ludicrous sci-fi premises. Also, Plan 9 From Outer Space seems to at least have a vaguely coherent storyline - if not an extremely laughable one - and one or two pieces of decent acting here and there, barring some people, and decent characterization.

Of course, there are certain lines that make you wonder whether Ed Wood was even reading his own script at the time ("Visits? But that would indicate visitors"), the flying saucers are mind-blowingly terrible, and in one scene the boom mic features prominently enough to warrant a credit as an extra.

Classic Moment

Since this movie's in the public domain, you can actually watch the whole thing on YouTube.

I'll point out the beginning narration as my favourite bit, though, with lines such as "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives" and "Future events such as these will affect you in the future". Who knew?

I know there are others I have yet to see (Manos: The Hands of Fate, here's looking at you), but that's the wonderful thing. There will always be more. And as evinced by Birdemic, they'll always be made. Every generation will have one. All I have to say to this is: keep 'em coming.